What Bugs Me about Student of the Month

Since I have three kids, I have to sit through three Student of the Month assemblies each year.  At our school, there is one characteristic for each month, and the teachers choose a selection of students from each class for the award. 

Like everything else in childhood these days, everyone gets to be student of the month at some point, whether or not they exhibit any redeeming qualities.  Conveniently, the last characteristic of the year is “citizenship,” so even if your kid can’t keep his hands to himself, finish his homework, or tell the truth, he’s still a “citizen,” and can be awarded thusly.  Our school does not give out bumper stickers, which is good, because there is no way on God’s green earth that I am putting that on my car. 

On assembly mornings, the multi-purpose room is packed, and if you want a decent seat (or a seat at all), you have to reserve it with a jacket or book before school even starts.  Parents are glowing with pride, and shoving each other out of the way to get the best camera angle of their charming child.

The first Student of the Month assembly I went to, there were several students from each grade chosen to speak about how great they were at that month’s characteristic.  Most sounded like this, 

“This is what self-control means to me.  Self-control is what I do when everyone is being mean to me, but I don’t fight back.  Self-control is not tattling when Jacob cuts in front of me in the lunch line.   Self-control brings a smile to my teacher’s face.  I always try my best to be self-controlled, so I will be a success.  This is what self-control means to me.”

What bugs me the most is how artificial these assemblies are.  For the most part, these are decent kids who are being asked to brag in a public forum that is not only uncomfortable, but thoroughly self-indulgent.  I would cower in shame if my kids gave a speech like that (I’m usually cowering in shame because of something they’ve done anyway, so nothing new there.)  There is no community cultivated by these exercises.  Instead, we force kids to wrap grown-up language around an esoteric quality they only understand in concrete terms.  In their speeches, kids say that they “always try to do the right thing,” which is not only patently false, but crazy that we as parents applaud the claim.


I'm all for awarding exemplary behavior, but I think we could do a better job of helping our kids articulate good character traits.  In all the assemblies I’ve been to, there was only one kid who made it real.  He was in fourth grade and I think he was up there for generosity or kindness.  He said, 

“I lost my speech on the way to school and I can’t remember what it said.  But being nice is hard.  I have two younger brothers and they like to take my stuff and break it.  Most of the time I yell at them, but sometimes I don’t.  When I don’t, it makes me feel better and I like them more.  Then we can all play with my stuff and we don’t fight so much.” 

BINGO!  Rock on, little man.   That’s a speech a mom can be proud of. 

Free Range Mom

I first heard this term on a t-shirt that read "Feral Free-Range Child."  My kids are all too big and it's a bit snarky even for me, but I love the term Free Range.  It's a breath of fresh air in the crazy, over-scheduled, over-hyped, over-parented culture we are raising kids in today.  

Most days, my kids walk to school and home on their own.  Our school is very close and they cross one neighborhood street. They also ride their bikes to piano lessons, which is about a mile away, get to soccer practice on their own, and have several friends nearby whose houses they can walk to.  I would not trade the sense of responsibility and self-confidence they get from this independence for the comfort of getting them to these activities myself.

The saddest part about the thrust toward helicopter parenting is that it actually makes childhood less safe.  There is power in numbers.  Kids together are far less likely to be targets than kids on their own.  The more kids walking and riding their bikes, the safer they are.  Also, freedom helps kids develop self reliance, something lacking in today's generation.  Why do you think there are so many kids moving back in with mom and dad after college?  They've never been required to figure out life on their own.  

Public behavior can be a problem in free range kids and I'm sure we've all seen how this can be true.  Fifty years ago kids were given a tight leash at home and a loose one in public.  This translated to better behavior in public.  Now it's just the opposite.  Kids have fewer requirements at home and less freedom in public.  You've seen kids hit their parents, swear at babysitters, ignore people in charge, and destroy other people's property.  

You are more likely to get killed in a car accident driving to school than your child is to get abducted by a stranger.  But that correlation never makes it into the news.  You are more likely to win the lottery, get struck by lightning and get kicked to death by a donkey.  Our assessment of risk and danger is totally messed up.  

Most rules and regulations put in place today are designed to protect the enforcer from liability. They have little, if anything, to do with safety. Just look at the way our boring playgrounds are designed.  By the time kids are five there is nothing left to do on them.   

We need a grass roots movement to take back our neighborhoods, build community with our neighbors, and send our kids back outside.  So... anyone who wants a coffee and some pastries, come over to my house with your kids and we will sit on the front lawn and practice letting them run around the neighborhood.